Guilt and Remorse

I feel so much guilt right now. The only thing I learned from being a Catholic for 18 years.

My pet rat died while I was 3000 miles away getting married and visiting family. My wife's rat is also slowly any painfully dying from the same respiratory disease that took my rat, Scully.  I feel guilty for not giving Scully enough attention before we left and slightly guilty that we haven't given them this much attention since we got them. I loved them the moment we picked them out at the pet store and still do. Although, a person or a being may day love for them never will. But, that's not that point. That's just me getting emotional. The point I'm trying to make is I feel guilty for not being there for her in her final moments. I the being who was second closest to her absent in her final moments. I wish I could have held her one more time and fed her strawberries as she took her final labored breaths. I know she never understood the words "I love you." But, I knew she could feel the love that I gave her and I feel guilty that I wasn't there in the end to give her the love and the comfort she needed and deserved. Any being that can bring that much happiness to one's life deserves to know how much you love them everyday until they day. Because, if you don't; you will probably feel as bad as I do.

As I previously stated I recently got married. Now, I shouldn't feel guilty. But, there were close to 100 people there and I only talked to a third and quite briefly.  I wouldn't feel so much guilt if I had at least said hello or if some of them weren't so generous with their gifts. And that's where the guilt comes from here's this amazing gift from some friend or co-worker of the in-laws and I didn't even say "Hi." It's not that I was trying to be selfish at the wedding. It's just that I was trying to be with friends in family that I haven't seen in the range of one to ten years. I didn't feel guilty at the wedding about not talking to the "strangers." No, it wasn't until the next day when my bride and I sat down, opened the cards, watched the tally increase, and we read the names; all I could do was shrug my shoulders. Who are these people and it's pretty obious they care about our happiness and future. Shit. The guilt slowly sank in and simmered on the flight back.  All I can say is I hope sending out "Thank You" cards will off set some of this guilt.

I could ramble off 10 pages of what I feel guilty about. Especially, how guilty I feel about not seeing all of my friends while I was home. But, there's a point here and that is guilt is a powerful motivator and theme. It's what makes those early episodes of The Simpsons so great. Yes, Bart and Homer have done some horrible things. In the end they ended up feeling that guilt and remorse and they worked towards forgiveness. It's a powerful device and it can be used in many ways. It can bring a character to their knees or be used as a weapon by a less remorseful character.

So here's what I want you to do. I want you to write down everything you feel guilty about. Develop whatever experience you like as you write a free association piece.  Take about a week or less to generate your list. Then take about a hour and really wring out that guilt onto a sheet of paper. You might just end up with a great jumping off point and a clearer conscious.

-PV